Managing little kids with 2nd wave of pandemic stress in India

I am very sorry that many are experiencing such difficult times. In all this, children get affected. I wrote on this theme upon reading a concerning question posted by a parent in one of the parent’s groups. Even if it helps one parent-child pair, it is worth all the time and effort to write on this sensitive subject.

Background

In India, the second wave of Covid 19 has hit hard. It is heart-wrenching. It is natural to grieve over the loss of family and friends. It is human to feel sad and disturbed by what is going on.

In the background, an impressionable child observes us quietly while we deal with the stress.

Throughout the pandemic, parents with little kids have faced unique challenges. We can classify these into three categories, though all are interconnected.

1.Challenges surrounding the child and their needs

Initially, things revolved around how to help our child settle in the new situation. How to make the child understand Covid related issues such as why & how it spreads, why is school virtual, why don’t we play in parks, the importance of mask, social distancing, and disinfecting, etc. The list is long. If all this is a lot of adjustment for the child, it is also a lot of work for the parent. Nearly every child adjusted to the new norm; such is the resilience in kids! Parents are doing their best.

2. Our challenges as adults

From frantic cleaning of every item entering our home to getting used to a minimum or nil social life, we took the required actions. Within few weeks, we realized things would not go back to normal for some time. Then it was about balancing home, work, and our needs with kids at home full-time & watching our every move. Add to this other regular challenges of life, which are unique for every adult. One year of figuring all this out has toughened us!

3. Managing kids when we are in an undesirable/distraught situation emotionally and mentally

Recently, now and then, we hear about the suffering of a known person. With the worsening situation in the second wave, the parents of little kids face a different set of dilemmas. While we feel hurt, how do our sadness and even anger towards the situation impact our child? How to manage young children when parents grieve? How to manage our emotions when kids are around?

The article, henceforth, is to help parents manage this third category of predicaments.

There is no step-by-step answer to this complex theme. Neither do I endorse any specific style of parenting. We can keep few things in mind while managing the situation better — circumstances, brain science, thoughtful parenting, and respecting the emotions of the parent and the child.

Information

As supported by research and common sense, we should provide our children with positive experiences in the early years in the best interest of their overall development. As parents, we sometimes mistake it as shielding children from all negative emotions. As humans, children will feel sad, hurt, angry, irrational, fearful, jealous, greedy, competitive, aggressive, moody. How much ever we try, we cannot eradicate these negative emotions. They will face it someday.

So apart from providing positive experiences and opportunities, we should help the child regulate negative emotions. Such that they are quick to self-correct and bounce back without much damage. This ability is called resilience. It is like a spring. You experience a devastating feeling, and how sooner you bounce back is your resilience. You adapt to adversity without lasting difficulties. While less resilient people have a more challenging time with stress and life changes.

Emotional resilience is a muscle that is built over time. The pandemic situation gives ample opportunities to demonstrate our resilience to our kids and help develop theirs.

Dealing with our emotions

As adults, we can deal with challenging emotions in two basic ways -

1) Negating our emotion

Though easier, it can cause more damage in the long term. If we don’t let go of the feelings and merely push back, the emotions go unhealed. They will surface later till we make peace with them. It is as good as postponing the unknown effect of that negative emotion. It is valid for both adults and children. It can manifest as anger, anxiety, resentment or lack of empathy, etc.

2) Getting it out of our system — Accept, deal with it, and move forward

The second route is challenging. But we can master it like we master any art — by repeat practice. Let the sadness come, feel it, and deal with it with coping strategies in the least dramatic and damaging way. There is enough information out there to help with that. (examples: healthy lifestyle, managing thoughts, sense of humor, meditation, support circle, spirituality, etc. These serve the purpose in the long run)

But here, when we grieve over the destruction of human lives, at that moment, meditation, exercise, or eating healthy food may not seem like the ideal thing to do. A better way is to share heavy emotions with someone who won’t judge. Sometimes we can’t hide feelings in front of kids. Please don’t feel guilty about experiencing them with kids around you. Don’t judge yourself to be a terrible parent if you do so. In the end, show that you have experienced some pain, you are dealing with it and how you bounce back. Normalize it for them.

Our emotions & children

Kids can learn either of these two ways — suppressing emotions or acknowledging emotions. The learning happens more through observation and play and not by lectures.

There can be moments when we want to shed tears, remain silent, or vent out of frustration, anger, disagreements, and helplessness. With the current crisis, it could be losing a loved one or getting disturbed by what’s happening around. Little kids are sensitive to their parent’s feelings. They are curious to know what’s happening. But they may be scared to cause any damage or anger, so they may not ask.

They get more affected by the stress of confusion — — Why is my parent not happy? Is it because of me? Will the parent get better? Will the parent be angry at me now? What happened to my playful parent? What should I do? What happened to my parent’s friend or relative who died?

They may not articulate all this, but children are naturally empathetic and curious. We must not invalidate such outstanding qualities.

We certainly don’t have the luxury to sit and sulk, avoiding the child altogether. So, what can we do then?

Considering we should neither negate our emotions of pain nor the child’s emotions of concern and curiosity. And we should be cautious — those little pair of eyes looking at us, in all likelihood, will mirror our way of dealing with circumstances.

Let’s see how we can handle different situations. Please feel free to personalize according to your circumstances.

Situation 1

Suppose if you want to discuss the Pandemic situation at home with family.

Do it when the child is engaged somewhere else or best when asleep.

Or if you do discuss in front of children when they are listening, then don’t act that they are invisible. Communicate with them. It’s been a year — they have an idea of what’s going on!

One way is — tell them simply what the problem is, the solution, and comfort them. Direct them towards activity and assure them they will get your time.

For example, you may say — “In India, the sickness is spreading more. So we will take more precautions because no one wants to fall sick at home. We are already doing a great job. We wear masks, maintain distance and wash hands. You have been so supportive. I am very proud of you.” Hug them and keep the body language and tone relaxed.

“Now, all adults are discussing how we can be more careful. Why don’t you do activity XYZ, and I will join you as soon as I finish.”

Direct them and do spend time with them later then. Stick to your commitment.

Situation 2A

Suppose you are grieving over the loss of a loved one.

Don’t treat kids like strangers when you feel sad or cry. What we need is to help them process what’s going on. Not push them away from the reality of our emotions and their emotions. On the contrary, such challenging situations allow us to show our children to embrace empathy and resilience.

Kids are already hardwired to be resilient. That is why they express raw emotions now and then. They release it out. However, they can lose this ability as they start suppressing the feelings or don’t learn how to manage them well over a period of time. That is not what we want to demonstrate to them.

If you pretend all is normal while you are grieving and sniffing next to them, you may send the signal that such emotions are not valid or that one must not share. A child, later on, may feel guilty for sharing their heavy feelings or may push them back or may not entertain someone’s heartfelt emotions.

Age-appropriately talk to your child. You don’t have to give them a monologue or scientific explanation. For example, a conversation can be like the following.

“My friends are getting hurt. I feel sad seeing them like this. “

OR

“ Mumma (Or Daddy) feels sad when she hears about other people suffering from sickness.”

You can even ask them. “How would you feel if your friends get badly injured?” Most likely, your child will answer, “I feel bad.”

Continue engaging. “That is how I feel.”

Suggest them ideas that help you can feel better.

“Right now. I want to have space of my own so that I can calm down. You can hug me and play for some time till I regain my composure.”

The child also requires reassurance that the parent is not sad because of the child. So give that comfort.

“I love you. I am happy that you are worried about Mumma (Or Daddy). But right now, I need some time and space. Once I am calm. I will play that pretend game that you like. Thank you for your patience.“

Gauge the situation and move ahead, keeping in mind that a child needs some explanation, assurance about your love and well-being, and a sense of direction of what you and the child need to do.

In short, communicate feelings, assure you love the child and direct them towards what needs to be done. Be mindful that words, tone and body language are not hurtful to the child. Please don’t leave them to second-guessing your complex emotions. Simplify it. They cannot understand complexity as adults, but they can remember how they felt about that experience. The quality of that experience stays with them.

Some children are more curious or confident to probe further. It can be an endless loop. Such as — “How it’s going worse?” “How will doctors treat boo-boo?” or “What happens when people die?”

Suppose you are not in a frame of mind to entertain this. Ask the other parent or relative to take over. But before this, validate their concerns.

“I know you have questions. I want to answer them when I am more playful. Right now, I want some time to take a few deep breathes, relax, talk to a friend so I feel less hurt. Won’t you help Mumma (or Daddy)?”

You get the drift. Just be honest, keeping the child’s age in mind. Don’t dismiss them; Acknowledge your emotions, acknowledge their concern, comfort them, tell them that you will bounce back and how. Once calm, spend time with them in regular activity.

At any point, we are not discussing politics, society, or anything with them — just emotions of being sad or hurt when we see others suffer.

Situation 2B

Sometimes, in situation 2, some kids choose to maintain distance with the parent, OR the parent is in a state of total distraught to communicate anything to the child.

The other parent needs to step in and take over the child.

But sometimes, there is no one to help out. You end up crying in front of the child. Don’t be hard on yourself because you showed your vulnerability. You have not scarred the child. It is part of being a human. Just be careful of not doing anything harmful or hurtful to yourself or surrounding. The child will sense that you need space. They are amazing at gauging pleasant, neutral, and undesired situations.

They may move away, or you may lose temper, or you may run to cry out in another room.

After the episode ends, don’t pretend nothing happened. Such things linger on in a child’s mind. Whenever you find yourself calm, communicate with them like in situation 2A and spend some time with them.

You may also add -
“Sorry. I was not in a condition to speak or play with your earlier. I feel better now.”
Or “Thank you for being patient.”
Or “Thank you for comforting me. It helped me.” In case they displayed much concern.

Situation 3

Suppose the parent is open to sharing the news of the death of a close relative.

It is a very tricky place to be in. You share the news, and the child cannot comprehend the meaning of death. They may look at it as the sudden disappearance of a person. Here is what may help.

Pandemic or no pandemic, speak with them about life and existence, as a normal part of being a human without making it sound like a huge deal. We don’t have to scare them off; just ease them into the concept. To do the above, interactive storytelling is a reliable way.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an actual incident to introduce the concept of life and thereby death subtly. The story has a spiritual bend without sounding preachy. It is a conversation I had with my daughter. Here is the link. You can get some idea of what and how to tell your child.

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Whatever the situation may be, try not to invalidate the child’s presence, concern, and curiosity away. Treat them tenderly when you find yourself in a better space. They look up to you in ways that no one does. Show them what being a human is and how to cope with hard emotions. Toughness doesn’t mean to invalidate your or someone’s emotions and pretend as nothing has happened. That is a far easier route. Real toughness lies in accepting your feelings and that of others and then managing the circumstances to the best of your ability. In any adversity, there is always something that you and the child will learn.

I hope that everything and everyone heals.
Best wishes.